Baby Cris-Ron

(elmundodeportivo.es)

I would be remiss not to comment on this baby maker. When you look at all the facts surrounding this episode, he truly comes out sounding like a baby maker more than a father. But lets back up to the beginning. Sometime last summer Cris-Ron was in LA dining at what seems like a below average restaurant. He fancied the waitress serving him, and after a few lame advances in his broken English, she ended up serving him in his hotel room later that night.

He knocked her up. She notified his agent that she was carrying baby Cristiano. He happily took the DNA test. Boom. Father time. Now here is where it gets exciting...

Cristiano couldn't take the risk of being embarrassed and judged by the entire world for being a male whore all the time... Um...  Not to mention the mother of his child is covered in ketchup and mustard all day pulling minimum wage at the Burger Joint (he makes about £200,000 a week). SO, he paid to keep her mouth shut and out of the news to the tune of €12 million. How can you not love this guy's ego? Knowing he is in pursuit of Wilt Chamberlain's all-time record of however many thousands of women, Cristiano has played this curve ball perfectly. By silencing the mother of his child, Cris-Ron has avoided the possibility of women denying his advances and can now continue on his quest for the holy grail.

What's that? He has a girlfriend? Correct. He has been an item with Russian underwear model Irina Shayk for about a couple months (when he realized that long distance relationships with Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian wouldn't work, he had to find new tail). And yes, she said on her facebook page that she and Cris-Ron were set to marry later this year before Christmas. But c'mon. You really think he'll be able to have sex with one woman for the rest of his life?! How is his son supposed to learn the art of seduction when his father is tied down by one woman?! There's a better chance of 2 people having sex on the moon before Cristiano stays married for an extended period of time.

I'm not sure if Cristiano has spent more than a couple days with Cristiano (you better believe his son has the same name) since he dumped the kid with his family in Potugal and immediately flew back to NYC with Irina. I am sure that he'll do one of the worst parenting jobs in history. There's no chance his son stays with him in Madrid. As for the "future wife," she's on the road just as much for photo shoots in remote corners of the world.

Hey maybe if you're lucky, he'll put out an ad for anonymous babysitters to watch his son for a cool hourly salary of "this is enough money to cover the rest of your life."