German Wonder Kid

This is Noah Shawn. He's 7 years old and plays in Bayern Munich's academy. I must say that I've watched plenty of videos of little boys...playing soccer of course, and I have never seen talent like this. We've all watched the Messi videos and there's also this kid, Hassan Ayari, but Shawn looks to be a different beast altogether.

If you've got five minutes to spare, sit back and enjoy. If not, at least jump ahead to 2:17. Then I promise you'll make yourself available for the whole video.

Always Wear Protection

No doubt you remember Ms. Jessica Kastrop getting thumped in the head by an errant ball during pregame last week. At no point has anyone felt bad for her since, after watching the video about 10-15 times, it's not hard to realize it's one of the funniest things you'll ever see.

Well this past weekend, Khalid Boulahrouz (the man responsible for playing that terrible ball) made a mockery of the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, the flowers were a nice touch. But then he hands her the head gear...the same head gear worn by Cristian Chivu and Peter Cech. Are you kidding me?! If you are going to give her protection, make it real protection. I would have preferred a hockey mask, or maybe a motorcycle helmet. Unless what he gave her is reinforced with metal plates, she's due for another unfortunate injury.

On the other hand, I kinda feel bad for her now... That video will make her the laughing stock of Germany and most of the world for years to come. Did they really need to rub it in with the helmet? Although credit to her, she did embrace it by interviewing Jürgen Klopp in full garb.

My sentiments are taking over. Let me watch the video again...



Ok. I don't really feel bad anymore.

Top Goals of the Weekend

The best of the best from a wild weekend of football throughout Europe.

It all started with on Friday as newly promoted side Kaiserslautern hosted Bayern Munich, and subsequently blanked them 2-0. The rookies now sit top of the league after two matches. This was the first goal from Ivo Ilicevic rocketed into the top corner:



Why must Dimitar Berbatov make everything so difficult? I guess he realizes how pathetically inept he is at finishing off easy chances. So instead, he goes out and does something like this:



The slow motion of this overhead kick actually makes it better. Giandomenico Mesto (what a first name) gave Genoa their only goal needed to defeat Udinese:



Don't knock MLS!! It made be a tad bit slower than most leagues, but there is still plenty of class on the field. Dane Richards, not a stranger to highlight reels, put together this beauty against San Jose:



Thank goodness for Spain. The home of the world cup trophy and the most tactically proficient players on the planet is finally back in our living rooms. It's goals like this one from Xabi Prieto that are as much about the build up as they are the actual finish:

La Liga Table Preview

La Liga kicks off this weekend, and this column couldn't be any more excited for it to start. As such, here's how it will turn out.

1. Barcelona

2. Real Madrid

3. Atlético Madrid

4. Athletic Bilbao

5. Villareal

6. Valencia

7. Sevilla

8. Getafe

9. Espanyol

10. Deportivo La Coruña

11. Real Sociedad

12. Almeria

13. Mallorca

14. Osasuna

15. Real Zaragoza

16. Sporting Gijon

17. Málaga

18. Racing Santander

19. Hercules

20. Levante

Platini guarantees 0% chance of human error

Speaking in Monaco yesterday ahead of the Champions League draw, UEFA president Michel Platini went on a bit of a rant regarding referees in the forthcoming competition. Notably, he stressed a "zero tolerance" policy towards referees screwing up calls. Right.

He then went on to discuss the brand new five referee system that will place an extra pair of eyes on the end line next to each goal.

"I think it's a very good system. If they cannot see if it's gone in they should get another job. If you cannot see the ball has crossed the line from three metres away then you are no good."

"There should be near zero tolerance with regard to referees because they should be able to see everything now."

"The Champions League final with only three referees makes me nervous because when it comes to decisions they can't see everything. With five referees we can be 99% or 100% certain.''

A couple things here. First, all Platini really cares about is one thing only - goal line vigilance. Preventing botched calls of whether the ball has crossed over the line. Something that happens, and let's be honest, not too often. What about every other missed offsides and handball and foul? I have watched plenty of Europa League matches to inspect the new system and those extra refs are clowns. They do nothing and say nothing.

Now to this guarantee. 100% certain?! No sir - humans are not perfect and we never will be. If the referees were secretly terminators that's a different story. But he just sounds like such a moronic idiot when he throws percentages out there like that. Does he really think the intellectual public believes that two extra referees is more fullproof than technology? Apparently so. And Sepp Blatter at FIFA is even worse.

These are the people running the sport at the moment. Until they're out, we're stuck with an outdated, juvenile system.

Champions League Group Stage Draw

It's the most wonderful time of the year...and the holiday season is still months away. But for Europe, and football fans worldwide, the holidays have officially begun with the group stage draw of the Champions League. There is, as always, a group of death (or is it?) and a couple snoozers. However, many of the groups are wide open - at least for second place.

I wouldn't say the groups look weak, but there is parity and fresh faces. Five teams reach this stage for the first time, while others are back after lengthy absences. So there are plenty of rookies and novices, and a handful of veterans who bring many question marks into this season.

Here's how they sorted out group by group.

Anchorettes Part 2 - Spain & Italy

Aaaaah Mediterranean women. Elegant...smooth...olive colored skin...blissful perfumes and aromas. They'll romance you with fine wines and rose petals. Think antiquity - beautiful women draped all over you, feeding grapes into your mouth. It's quite an ideal utopia for any right-minded man. Back in reality though, we do our best to constrict to society's rules of seduction and courting, and quite often find it a bit more difficult to conquer than our dream world...

In the same respect is our quest to meet, marry, and man-handle every hot body we see on television, all to often futile. The only thing that enables our fantasy to evolve is fixing our eyes on that television every week hoping our dream anchor will appear before us.

So, after a proper introduction to England and France's cream of the crop a few weeks back, we turn to Italy and Spain whose domestic campaigns commence this weekend. Italy packs a strong punch, with supermodel looks and cunning reporting. The world champions, on the other hand, report their football the same way they play it - with class and a soft tenderness. Making beauty so incredibly simple. We are all blessed to bear witness to such magnificence on a weekly basis.

Let the battle for Mediterranean supremacy begin!

Drinks on the House

Bayern Munich took time out of their busy training schedule this week to, well, sip a couple beers and shoot a commercial for Paulaner. Not a bad gig.

On closer look, something is a tad bit fishy...like those beers are fake!! Lahm's center of gravity is off as he tips the glass towards himself, only the beer and foam are in the exact same position. No overflow.  The foam actually looks more like marshmallow fluff...

I was also unaware of the lederhosen class system.  Schweinsteiger, Van Bommel, and Klose all have the fancy suspenders with their outfits, while Louis Van Gaal, das manager, sports the landowners' diagonal suspenders.  Then of course you've got the surfs who can only afford the white shirts. However, Lahm is the "captain" of Germany and dressed like a serf. So perhaps seniority isn't the dividing factor. Maybe it's height...

Let's also note the fact that everyone is completely hairless. No facial hair, no leg hair. Of course, one cannot truly enjoy a fresh glass of Paulaner with bestial follicles protruding from the skin. It's disgusting and classless.

To be honest, it's all a bit too complicated for my liking. Just give me a das boot and be done with it. 

More photos after the jump...

Worst Shootout Performance in History

Congratulations to RSC Anderlecht of Belgium for giving us one of the most shocking displays of penalty kick taking in history. With the barrage of spot kicks landing in the parking lot, it seemed more like a long distance competition than anything else. I'm sure more than a few supporters were greeted by a few dents in their cars after the match.

The English commentators kept going on and on and on about how sub-par the pitch was, and that Champions League football shouldn't be played on such surfaces, bla bla. Give me a break! Stop being so nearsighted. From the looks of it (and you don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure it out), the Partizan players didn't seem to have any real issue putting the ball in the back of the net.

This came down to technique. Something the Anderlecht players simply didn't have. That divot in the ground from the 1st kick wasn't the result of a bad pitch. Although it depends who you ask, since more than a couple golfers would have marvelled at what were exquisite pitches of the ball. Don't divots mean you made good contact and got under the ball to send it to the stratosphere?

Anyway, you can judge for yourself. In fairness to Anderlecht though, they did produce this one piece of magic in the losing effort.

Party in the Holy Land

FC Salzburg lost. Good. After reports (unconfirmed to be fair) of despicable chants by the fans in the first leg calling on the Israelis to go back and burn in the ovens (and there were supposedly more), those fans, and that city, didn't deserve the privilege of hosting the kings of Europe on the grandest stage on the planet.

As for Hapoel Tel-Aviv, it is their first appearance in the group stages in the club's 83 year history. With a performance in the second leg that, outside the first ten minutes, was quite frankly abysmal (an own goal and the one in stoppage top to seal it), Hapoel escaped. But it was predicated on an impressive 3-2 away win in the first leg. With a win like that on the road they deserved to move on. And, UEFA can breathe a sigh of relief at the now moot prospect of rampant, racist fans showcasing the tournament.

Let the festivities begin in Israel.

Incoming!!!!!

This is one of those instances where the mature person would say, "you shouldn't laugh."

Bulls**t. While I feel bad for this poor reporter (she's quite attractive mind you), all you can do is watch it. Watch it again. And then again.  The thump on impact is priceless.

At least she stayed on her feet!!

Comic Relief

Goalkeepers are some of the most superstitious and quirky individuals in the business. Where some employ lunatic manerisms to simply mask the fact that their abilities are average or sub-par, there are others who summon the powers of great beings to inject a sense of confidence and strength in their performance. In other words, they want to be superheroes...who doesn't?

Pablo Aurrecochea is one of these aspirants, and forget the fact that he's a grown man. The Uruguayan, who plays football for Paraguayan side Club Guaraní, has shown no shame in sporting goalie uniforms evoking the greatest Marvel Comics heroes of our time. Thing is, it's actually working...

Guaraní sits third in the Paraguayan 1st division and is tied for least amount of goals conceded. Go figure!

More pics and his Batman performance after the jump:

Goals of the Weekend

Not much can top Gareth Bale's volley against Stoke this past weekend:



Although Rafa's effort is not too far behind as he scored his first for the Red Bulls:



Schalke's Jefferson Farfan produced this cheeky goal in a losing effort:



And World Cup phenom Thomas Müller has picked up right where he left off:

EPL Week 2 Wrap-Up

The number 6, scribbled three times in succession, has haunted the superstitious and religiously fanatic world for centuries as the mark of the devil. To be honest, superstitions don't quite do it for me. All they do is incite and create unnecessary fears. I do believe in karma though, and with a capital K, Karma swept through West London and Craven Cottage as the real Red Devils of United got bit in the ass. However, it's still impossible to ignore how the remainder of England witnessed devilry in the South, Northeast, and middle of the country as Arsenal, Chelsea, and Newcastle each put their opponents to the sword by a score of 6-0. In Chelsea's case it's the second successive game doing so.

Chelsea are running rampant having scored 29 goals in their last 5 league games. They already enjoy a +12 goal difference and don't appear to be letting up one bit.  It's hard to truly judge their dominance after wins over the likes of West Brom and Wigan. Especially Wigan, who have now been outscored 10-0 in the first two weeks following an opening day drubbing to newly promoted Blackpool. I was wrong to predict Roberto Martinez being sacked by Thanksgiving. It looks to be an overly generous prediction at that, and he could very well be axed by the end of September depending on how things progress. As for Chelsea, they're next three games are home to Stoke City, away to West Ham, and home to Blackpool. Sounds like another 20 some-odd goals. We'll get a better idea how good they really are the last week of September when they travel to Manchester City followed by a home stand against Arsenal. In the meantime, enjoy the goal-fest while it lasts Blues fans.

Save of the Weekend

Sitting on his ass, from the seat of his pants, Edwin Van der Sar produced this epic display of goalkeeping as he deflected Etuhu's rebound over the bar. One of the finer saves you'll see:

Fastest Red Card in Bundesliga History

Cologne's home opener against Kaiserslautern began and subsequently ended in disaster. Only 87 seconds in (although the author of the video would have you believe it's 93 and/or 83 seconds...nice editing buddy), Youseff Mohamad pulled down the onrushing attacker and unfortunately was the last defender. Straight red and no question about it.

It serves as the fastest red card ever issued in the German Bundesliga's 47 year history. Cologne went on to lose by a score of 3-1.



Photo courtesy of bild.de

Weekend Couch Guide

Your guide to an Al Bundy weekend...

Friday, August 20
2:30pm Bayern Munich vs Wolfsburg -- ESPN Deportes

Saturday, August 21
9:55am  Arsenal vs Blackpool -- ESPN2

10:00am  Everton vs Wolverhampton -- FSC

10:00am   Stoke City vs Tottenham -- FSC Plus

12:00pm  Wigan vs Chelsea -- FSC

2:30pm  West Ham vs Bolton (tape delay) -- FSC


Sunday, August 22
8:30am Newcastle United vs Aston Villa -- FSC Plus

10:30am PSV Eindhoven vs AZ Alkmaar -- ESPN Deportes

11:00am  Fulham vs Manchester United -- FSC

3:00pm Paris Saint-Germain vs Bordeaux -- FSC Plus

Monday, August 23
2:45pm  Manchester City vs Liverpool -- ESPN2

Ronaldinho's Preseason Training Regime

With the Serie A season set to kick off next weekend, it's safe to assume every player is busting his ass to get in tip-top shape after summer holidays. More importantly, fringe players and those in poor form have the opportunity to wipe last season's slate clean and start anew.

Well, Ronaldinho's slate over the past few seasons with AC Milan has been full of bench warming, beer guts, and an occasional suare onto the stage with 50 Cent.

Maybe weightlifting and sprints aren't his mojo. Maybe commitment and hard-work are simply misnomers when it comes to preparation. Maybe the bright lights, loud music, and 7:00am self-imposed curfews are the secrets to reclaiming the title of best player in the world...or to remaining a fat, washed-up, waste of space.

Well whatever the end result is, Ronaldinho is putting in his best efforts to get there. And no better way than running off to Montenegro, hitting the club scene, and making besties with the extremely sexy Serbian model Sanja Brnovic.

More snapshots after the jump...